Bizarre title aside, the Sixers took care of business tonight against a streaking Hawks team that, just last week, beat the Milwaukee Bucks. And since the Bucks beat the Heat, I can safely say that by the Transitive Property of Victory, the Sixers are the best team of all time. Print it.
Because this is possibly the millionth time the Sixers have won by this formula, I'm going to completely ravage the archives of our significantly more talented Phillies brethren at The Good Phight and show you the Sixers Game Recap Template the four of us use here at Liberty Ballers. See below and here's hoping the lawyers at TGP don't sue us for copyright infringement.
The Sixers took care of business again this evening against [OPPOSING TEAM] behind a strong showing from [NIGHT SHIFT MEMBER] and despite a poor shooting night from [NOT ANDRE IGUODALA IT'S NEVER HIS FAULT]. The Sixers were led in scoring by Louis Williams who tallied [INTEGER >/= 14] points on [INTEGER >/= 14] shots. [INSERT SOMETHING OFFENSIVE ABOUT LOUIS WILLIAMS AND/OR HIS RAP CAREER].
NBA experts are still slightly down on the Sixers after the [OPPOSING TEAM] were without [STAR PLAYER] due to a [SEASON-ENDING INJURY THAT ISN'T AFFECTING THEIR SUCCESS]. The Sixers themselves were without [PLAYER WITH HEIGHT >/= 6'8] who was replaced in the lineup by [LOW-UPSIDE FORWARD/CENTER PLAYING ABOVE TALENT LEVEL].
Turnovers were again not an issue as the Sixers managed to cough it up just [INTEGER </= 9] times while notching [INTEGER >/= 20] assists. [REFERENCE OBSCURE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT QUOTE] The wing defense was on par as usual, holding the [OPPOSING TEAM] to [INTEGER </= 33.33333333]% from beyond the arc. Rebounding was a problem again, but thankfully the combined efforts of [SUBSTANTIALLY PAID NON SUPERSTAR] and [BUST] scooped up the bulk of the defensive boards.
Strangely, Doug Collins decided to leave Evan Turner on the bench for the bulk of the [3RD/4TH] quarter, despite carrying the team during previous stretches of the game. [INSERT QUESTION AS TO WHETHER TURNER IS IN COLLINS' DOG HOUSE]. Jrue Holiday stayed away from the free throw line like he was allergic to it, managing just [INTEGER = 0] free throws on the night. He'll need to attack the basket more if this team hopes to make it deeper into the playoffs.
For the [OPPOSING TEAM], an out-of-nowhere performance by [WORTHLESS PLAYER HAVING A CAREER GAME] kept them close until finally, Louis Williams sealed the game with an [IMPROBABLY MADE SHOT, TYPICALLY OFF ONE FOOT]. Collins was quoted afterwards as saying: "[INSERT OPTIMISTIC BUT SELF-AWARE QUOTE] and Lavoy Allen was just a beast tonight, I love what I'm seeing from him. Also, [SOMETHING ABOUT NEEDING A CLOSER]."
Hopefully, the Sixers will be able to prove the nay-sayers wrong in two days when they face off against [SLUMPING TEAM THAT WILL NOT VALIDATE OPINIONS THAT SIXERS ARE LEGITIMATE]. See you then!
[POOP JOKE]
11 recs | 29 comments
This is awesome
Djax10 - February 4, 2012
But is it Hawesome??
dweebowitz - February 5, 2012
The Sixers proved tonight Atlanta’s hot streak was a fluke! I knew the Hawks could not sustain this success without Al Horford and they proved it tonight. The Sixers still have not beaten anyone important. The Magic suck and the Bulls were without Luol Deng and Rip Hamilton, two critical veteran NBA players who have been there before and know how to win. The Bulls were lost without them, as any team would have been. How can anyone possibly think the Sixers are for real?
Justin F. - February 4, 2012
Well done
This cracked me up.
Dave Rueter - February 4, 2012
This had me burst out laughing.
philsandthrills - February 4, 2012
rec’d…I also found it remarkable that the officials from the Heat game last night stayed in Philly to referee the Flyers game today and made it to Atlanta to call tonight’s Sixer game as well. I usually hate it when anyone complains about poor officiating because it’s cliche and there are inherent biases, but these games were flat out terrible.
DirtyWaters - February 4, 2012
Random figures:
PhiladelphiaEagles - February 4, 2012
I love this.
And if they do sue, I got your back :)
dweebowitz - February 4, 2012
Trade Iggy!
for Ivan Johnson!
Scott Kenny - February 4, 2012
+10,000,000
jefu - February 5, 2012 via mobile
Great template for success, Mike.
You did leave out the part about how they put the (opponent) away with a strong run in the third quarter where they held them to (integer <13) points. Then were able to hold on in the final quarter despite an over-reliance on isolation plays.
tk76 - February 5, 2012
Hilarious.
I was literally cracking up laughing through the whole template.
hhaidari - February 5, 2012
Feer the Deer
Milwaukee beat Miami twice. If Milwaukee gets the 8 seed and Miami gets the 1 seed, the Bucks will easily sweep 4-0. This leaves the Sixers a clear path to the NBA Finals. Book it!
PhillyWarrior - February 5, 2012
We play them 2nd to last game of the season. We definitely tank it if it gets them in to play Miami.
J.P.Melle - February 5, 2012
i agree, sadly.
Dan Pearson - February 5, 2012
I actually kinda want them in another series. We can play them better than we have so far this year.
J.P.Melle - February 5, 2012
Mad Libs...
I didn’t know if they still have these, but we used to love them back in the pre-video game era, when I was your age. :)
Why I mention it is, this is pretty much of a Mad Lib, except BOSSier…..
dweebowitz - February 5, 2012
GOAT recap.
mrprice33 - February 5, 2012
Mike, do me a favor and do this more often. Many a’smiles were cracked upon reading this.
jefu - February 5, 2012
Poop joke
Tanner Steidel - February 5, 2012
and this was delicious
rec it now please
Tanner Steidel - February 5, 2012
Fantastic.
nyunole - February 5, 2012 via mobile
ET played 3 minutes less than Jodie Meeks, too a grand sum of 23 min. He’s definitely in “The Dog House” ):
phitePSEF - February 5, 2012
yeah, it’s only because Doug Collins hates him. No other reason.
jefu - February 5, 2012
this could actually be a template. ironically it’d be pretty damn accurate for most games.
J.Michael Woodson - February 5, 2012
That’s the point. :)
soman319 - February 5, 2012
Anyone see Evan Turner completely turn around Joe Johnson
It was awesome. Dudes got handle
dstern77 - February 5, 2012
does this mean
we are “supposed” to beat the 6th in the West Lakers tomorrow? Because that would be awesome.
Dan Pearson - February 5, 2012
is it too late to say that was hilarious?
in Italy we are always behind… please forgive us
Arousing standing ovation for Micheal
Also, [SOMETHING ABOUT NEEDING A CLOSER].". That was the best part.
Ricky - Sixers4guidos - February 5, 2012
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